a post grad journal entry

reflecting on life after my first degree

i’ve been graduated with my bachelor’s in Africana Studies and English for roughly seven weeks and what should’ve felt like a victory lap has felt more like an emotional waterboarding. week six i found a full time job, a 9-5 completely unrelated to my degree, and week five i started a volunteering opportunity that’s a lot more aligned with my interests.

i’ve been pushing myself likely harder than a person who’s been in school for 4 years straight should be but i feel like i have no choice. i spent january anxious but happy initially when by day i was bombarded with questions of what i was doing and where i was going (i graduated literally the second to last week of december mind you).

while working this week i realized i was processing the liminal space of not immediately fulfilling all the potential the people around me had projected onto me. that thought left me feeling like a product of other people’s desires but i can’t completely say i don’t feel the pressure to immediately become a success story. especially from my parents who seem to need me to instantly find financial success and security to prove their investment was worth it. it feels a lot like being a defective product when i’m actually not a product at all.

i wonder what my life would look like if i could pursue my passions without the performance of productivity and the pressures of capitalism. i keep thinking about the pressure of being the oldest daughter of the parents who “made it out” and are the evidence of the mythical american dream. and i wonder how my parents fear of poverty and poorness have shaped me and how they seem to forget none of what they have is mine. i look forward to the life i’ll build through this emotionally jarring time and i’m proud of what i’ve done. i trust deeply in my ability to create the future i want beyond the external and internal pressures of my world.🧘🏿‍♀️✨

p.s. hopefully more poems and short stories soon. a baddies has been balancing her life lately ❤️